There is nothing I desire more than sleep. I never thought I could want something so badly in my life than I do a good nights sleep. In the beginning with Seth he would wake every hour during the night and I struggled, staggered, and stumbled my way into his room to change, feed, and comfort him. Often by 5 a.m. we were both in tears and I thought the sun would never rise.
Than there were those nights were he refused to sleep in his crib and I slept with him on the couch. I was terrified that I had lost my bed forever. I wanted nothing more than to climb in between the sheets of my bed and close my eyes. Why did this seem to be so impossible. To dream had become the impossible dream.
Slowly, Seth did begin to go longer stretches. But even today at nearly 6 months he continues to wake in the night. In 6 months he has only slept through the night 6 times. Of course the irony of those nights is that I wake often, listening, wondering, and checking to see if he is okay, as it is so unlike him.
It is so tough to go with out a good night sleep for such a long time. At times I will be honest it felt like torture to have to be up all night and day and night and day and night and...
I often was told to sleep when Seth slept, but I found it so difficult to fall asleep myself. There were also times when I had to eat, go to the bathroom, return a phone call, and than after that sure enough Seth was up.
I don't mean to whine, but it really is tough to give up sleep. The sleep bank never seems to fill up and I never know what the night will bring. Even tonight as I head to bed after I write this, I can only hope that tonight will be a good night and tomorrow even better. Or, that for Christmas Santa will bring me a night at a hotel.
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